


The Emperor's Idiocy

by JocastaSilver



Category: Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic, Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords
Genre: Basically Scourge fans should skip this fic, F/M, For anyone who hated the Revan novel, Parody, Scourge bashing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-05-23 18:55:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6126763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JocastaSilver/pseuds/JocastaSilver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which the Emperor is mistaken for Nihilus, Malak's force ghost makes an appearance, and Scourge is revealed to be an idiot in this crazy "Revan" parody.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Emperor's Idiocy

As Revan battled his way to the throne room, he noticed that Scourge and Meetra had fallen behind. While Meetra was doing fine, Scrouge could barely keep up a decent defense. “Just great. The one Sith I align with and he turns out to be a pathetic fighter.”  
He shook that thought off as he entered the Emperor’s throne room. The ancient Sith Emperor stood from his throne. “I did not expect to see you again.”  
Just then Revan heard a voice from behind him. “Nihilus?”  
“I am not Nihilus! I am Vitiate, Emperor of the Sith Empire, immortal from the destruction of Nathema.”  
Meetra snorted. “Yeah, right! You’re just a wound in the Force. Like me, and like Darth Nihilus.”  
“No! I have purged all life from Nathema through force drain. It is not the same as your wound in the Force.”  
“And I’m a Wookie’s uncle. But tell me, Vitiate. How old are you really?”  
Vitiate was beginning to look flustered. “I have lived for many millennia young one.”  
“Sorry to disappoint you,” Revan interjected. “But there are no ways to become immortal. Unless, you use spirit transfer, but even that’s not full proof.”  
“I am immortal!” the supposedly ancient Sith glared at the three of them.  
“No you’re not,” Revan stated simply, even though he knew this stupid Sith would not see sense and admit his lie.  
“All right. More like five hundred years.”  
When Meetra continued to give a disbelieving look, he added. “Two hundred years. Give or take a year.”  
“You know that’s not bad considering most Sith live for only a century if they survive the political back stabbing.” But inwardly, Revan could not help but think, “this is the supposedly invincible Sith Emperor we were supposed to confront. He’s pathetic. Nyriss was more of a challenge then he is.”  
Scourge looked confused. “So you mean Nyriss’ story was a lie.”  
Meetra glared at him. “Or course Nyriss’ story was a lie you moron! It’s like those stories about Jedi being able to bring down entire buildings or pull star destroyers to the ground.”  
“Um. I hate to interrupt Meetra, but we need to deal with the Sith Emperor.”  
“Oh yeah,” Meetra realized. “Mr. Idiot Sith was just distracting me.”  
“You cannot defeat me Jedi!” the Emperor declared dramatically. “Do you remember Revan? How I bound you and your companion to my will?”  
A light bulb went off in Revan’s head. “So that’s what you were trying to do to me and Malak last time we met. Well, sorry to disappoint you, but it did not work. At least not on me. I can’t say anything for Malak.”  
“Of course it did not work on me. What did you think I was a neophyte padawan learner?!” Malak had appeared with blue swirling around him. Unlike last time, he had a regular jaw instead of the cybernetic, but he still lacked hair, and sported the set of blue striped tattoos.  
“Malak? What are you doing here?” Revan had learned many things over the course of his forty-some years of life. But transcending death. That was something else.  
“Oh, you know. I was bored with the afterlife, so I came to check up on you. I can’t believe you wasted your time dealing with this idiot!”  
“Yeah well. I had to stop him before he invaded the Republic.”  
“Sure fine,” he replied. “Wait is that Meetra Surik? Hi, Meetra.”  
The Jedi in question was staring at Malak with a shocked look on her face, as if she was seeing a ghost, which funnily enough, she was.  
“Nice to see you again Meetra. And anyways, I’m sorry I suggested to Revan that he use HK-47 to kill you.”  
Meetra glanced at Revan in shock. “You were going to send that demonic droid after me?”  
Revan shrugged. “I obviously said no since you’re here now. Besides, we need to deal with the Emperor; we can discuss my motives at a later time.”  
“And you Scrouge!” yelled the Emperor. “How dare you bring these people before me, when I was planning to make you immortal and the Emperor’s Wrath?”  
“Well this all started when someone tried to kill me at Nyriss’ palace. I thought it was Sechel, but it turned out Nyriss was testing me for some weird reason. Then I tried to interrogate Sechel as to why Nyriss would use me, and I couldn’t get a straight answer. Then Meetra showed up and I decide I might as well throw my lot in with them.”  
Malak looked shocked. “How the heck did this guy manage to become a Sith Lord? He’s a complete moron.”  
Meetra sighed. “Yeah, tell me about it. He had trouble facing off those kriffing guards.”  
“Hey! Those guards were freaking Force sensitive!” Scourge yelled desperately.  
“I half wish I had let Atton come with me, in spite of his constant flirting.”  
“Who’s Atton?” Revan inquired.  
“He’s just someone who used to be part of your assassin squads trained to capture Jedi. He deserted after a Jedi told him he was Force sensitive.”  
“Oh. You mean Jaq,” Revan replied. “So he’s Force sensitive, that sure explains a lot of things. Wait? You said he was flirting with you.”  
“Um yeah, and I kind of love him, in spite of his constant teasing.”  
“You’re too young to be dating!” Revan yelled. “Especially not with Jaq!”  
“I’m thirty standard years old for Force’s sake. Of course, I’m old enough to be dating! And since when do you decide who I’m allowed to date?”  
“Revan,” Malak interjected. “You can play overprotective older brother later. You need to defeat the Emperor.”  
“Oh yeah,” Revan realized. He unleashed bolts of blue Force lightning that the emperor struggled to deflect. Just then, a double bladed silver lightsaber cut its way through the air, slicing the emperor in half.  
“That was anti-climactic,” Malak commented.  
“Nice throw Meetra,” Revan complemented. “Is that the same lightsaber you used during the Mandolorian Wars?”  
“Nope, the Jedi took that one away, so I had to build a new one.”  
“Well anyways, we should be getting back to the Republic,” Revan said. “I just hope Bastila isn’t too angry with me for gone for so long. At least I get to meet my kid in person now.”  
“I still don’t get how you and Miss You’re-All-Going-To-The-Dark-Side managed to fall in love, but it’s none of my business.”  
“You’re one to talk considering your boyfriend used to kill Jedi for a hobby.”  
“He’s not my boyfriend!”  
Revan shrugged. “That’s what they all say. So let’s get…”  
Scourge stood in their path. “I’m not about to let you get away with calling me an idiot. So prepare to suffer and die horrible deaths.” He spoke as if he had been rehearsing those lines for a long time.  
A surge of blue Force lightning hit Scourge and he had no time to scream before he exploded in a flash of blue energy. Revan glanced over at Malak, who was whistling innocently.  
“Do I want to know how the heck you managed to do that when you’re dead?”  
“Probably not.”


End file.
